A beautiful moment, and a prayer

I was driving down South Road yesterday at about 11:00 am in the morning (my hospital shift would start at midday). The day was cloudy, when all of a sudden, the sun broke through the clouds- it was a golden bonanza all around; a feast for the eyes and for the heart. I went into a side street, parked the car, got out, and inhaled deeply to let the beauty seep into me... This is life, this is beauty, this is the honeymoon I always dreamed of- the honeymoon that has lasted the past 34 years... I just prayed to God to let it be everlasting!

A lot of thoughts flashed through my mind then. The excitement about my new travel coffee mug (in which I am going to put my morning milk and sip it on the way to work), and my new folder (in which I have arranged my “beautiful” notes so systematically)... The fact that I am supremely happy... The fact that I love my life so well, that I wouldn’t change a single bit for a million dollars...

When a friend said “you usually look back at crossroads in life and regret your decisions”, generalizing the statement, I felt so glad because I had never had the occasion to look back till now! I decided to marry my husband within a fraction of a second when I saw his worried face in the middle of a busy road- that decision changed my life, and each moment since has been golden... I decided to go to JIPMER, and later, Delhi, on the spur of the moment, and spent lovely times in both these places... There are some things about my life that others think were unfair to me- but I am glad all that happened to me-I have taken what I liked all my life, made my own decisions, and I wouldn’t change a single thing if I could- each bad thing has had its own purpose!

I know this wonderful phase of my life is not permanent, because duty calls elsewhere. I belong to a poor country with millions of needy patients who can’t afford to pay for their medications- even if I anaesthetize a single patient a month for free, I would contribute a bit. The women in my country are downtrodden and ill-treated- I would like to do something for them as well. And there are our parents- getting older every day... I just need a small house with two rooms in which we three will live happily- it will be hard work, but then, it will be worth it, if my Gooby grows up into a girl with a beautiful mind- if she is studious, and good-natured, and GOOD. And I’ll practice beautiful anaesthesia, give some nice nerve blocks, do some paediatric and difficult cases, and my patients will wake up beautifully after surgery. And Soumya- he’ll be the same darling he always has been, unchanged, fiddling around with computers and cells and tablets and games... growing old yet staying young in mind... never a mean thought, never a bad word for anyone... getting scolded everyday for being disorganised, yet never getting angry... And then, someday, our Gooby would be grown up enough to leave her shelter and fly away from her nest- she’ll find her calling, eventually she’ll find her soulmate too... and life will continue, and we shall grow old together... and someday, when I die, I’ll have wrinkles on my face and my hair shall be gray, yet my face shall look radiant and my lips would have a smile, as my thoughts all my life would have been pure and happy...

This is the way I want my life to be, and this is the life I prayed for when I got out of my car yesterday and looked up at the sun shining through the clouds...and I saw God smile down on my upturned face, or maybe it was my imagination... But I did feel the warm sun shining on me as I got back into my car and drove to work- and that was real, and that was enough to make me smile.

I love reading

I love reading. The stuff I read is not profound or scientific- I like reading about fantasy and love, about innocence and childhood, I like romances and spy thrillers… I like almost everything! Some of my all-time favoutites are Exodus and Gone with the wind, the Anne of Green Gables series and Polyanna, Ayn Rand and Thornbirds. I love the Enid Blyton books, especially those about Mallory towers and St Clare's... I love Hary Potter, I love the trilogy of the Rings. I have often spent hours being Oliver Twist in my imagination, wasted hours of study time wondering how exactly it would feel to slowly fall down the rabbit hole as Alice... I have hated watching beautifully made movies based on books I love, just because they do not conform to my avid imagination, my preconceived ideas... I have survived on a lonely island as Robinson Crusoe, I have been kissed on the lips by Snow White's dream prince, I have shut myself up in my room for hours and cried when Ari Ben Canaan breaks down in Exodus. I have trembled with silent fury at the injustice meted out to women after spending a few hours with SharatChandra and Premchand. I have read Siddhartha and felt chords vibrate inside me that I didn't know existed. Tagore made me lose myself in the sunset, in the clouds, in the eternal beauty of nature. Shakespeare made me crave to meet my Romeo, to die for him. I have been Elizabeth and wept over Darcy's haughtiness, I have been Jane and felt my heart break, I have been Raskolnikov and wandered around the streets of Moscow totally drunk, punishing myself for my own crime...I have thanked God for having been born after Agatha Christie -some of my best moments have been spent poring over Miss Marple and Poirot, trying to solve those murders myself. I have wanted to be a parent to my child like Atticus was to Scout...I have laughed and cried, sang and danced, lived and died with the characters in my books… I have seen the world though a beautiful window created by my books... Thank you, God, for giving me eyes and the ability to read.

Sunset

"Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder"- thus wrote a great poet, immortalizing the statement forever in the heart of mankind. I often ask myself how far this is true…

For instance, is there any soul alive who can stay untouched by the beauty of sunset? An everyday phenomenon- ordinary, and yet so extraordinary in its magnificence…Clouds in hues ranging from the deepest of magentas to the lightest of mauves, with varying shades of yellow, orange, red and blue forming a multicoloured panorama, infinitely lovelier than the most beautiful painting created with a brush held in human hands…Golden sunrays fanning out from behind dark clouds, creating a golden halo around them and lending a charm to the sky that leaves one in no doubt that if heaven exists on earth, it is here…The sun, changing his colour every moment from golden yellow to orange to brick red, reluctantly trudging across the sky towards the horizon, as if unwilling to relinquish his hold on his sweetheart the earth, unwilling to leave her in the embrace of the dark, starry, mysterious night…Then, suddenly, in a moment of truth accepting his destiny and rushing down the last few steps, his last passionate kiss lingering after his departure, the earth and the skies blushing scarlet at his remembrance…

The sun never doubts that he will be reunited with his soulmate next dawn, as he knows that love is eternal, that the cycle of separation and reunion might go on forever, but no power in the universe can keep his true love away from him forever…Please do not ask me how and why I believe all this, please do not preach to me the laws of Physics that give a rational explanation to all these changes of colour, and to the sudden drop of the sun across the horizon…Please let me look at this pair of beautiful lovers dreamily every evening, let my eyes mist over with unshed tears, my heart grow full…Please leave me alone with my stupid, foolish ideas and imaginings- with my beloved fairies and giants, castles and santa clauses, princes and princesses…

Often, I see people turning their back on this vast splendour of nature and burying themselves in movies or books…I mourn for these poor souls, and then suddenly, the truth of the statement "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" dawns on me…I thank the lord almighty for blessing me with eyes that are able to appreciate all the beauty, truth and love in this world…