I had a session with Marzena, my psychologist, today. I thought I had got quite
a few thought-provoking ideas, and felt it would be nice to write those
somewhere so that I could go through these at will later, when troubled in
future and needing help.
When I first entered, Marzena said- “You’ve had a haircut”; I assented, and
she complimented me, saying it looked beautiful. I sadly said that my mother
was not happy with it, but anyway, nothing would really please her unless my
hair was long- I had accepted that years ago… and that my sister said previous
haircuts that framed my face suited me more. Marzena was asking whether I
myself was happy with my hair… to which I replied that I liked it- but I was never
really happy looking at myself in the mirror. Marzena asked if I didn’t think
it was polite to tell people their cut is nice even if you felt it was better
earlier… and I tried to explain that this is not how it works in the Indian
society- politeness is reserved for people who do not matter too much, and
usually, for really close friends and relatives, we are expect to give (and
receive) genuine comments… it is not unkind, it is just the culture. I would
not want or expect my sister to lie to make me feel good.
I was quite distressed about my disagreement with Didivai yesterday, and
this was the main topic of conversation today. I should have noted it down
yesterday, but procrastinated, so, here I am, filling up my thought diary (with
suggestions and ideas from Marzena as well in it).
SITUATION (What were you doing, or what was happening)
Didivai (my sister) was having a conversation with Ma (my mother)- a daily
routine over her morning tea- it is 7 am for her and about 9:30 am for Ma. Ma
really looks forward to this time as she is lonely and starved for company and
conversation quite often. Today, the topic was Geetuma (my aunt)- her
misfortunes, how she feels unwanted and unloved where she is staying now, how
she is planning to shift to her elder daughter-in-law’s house, but is scared of
her DIL’s sudden tantrums when she says innocent things such as “Why are you
working so hard, getting up early and cooking, and torturing your daughter rice
in the morning, trying to feed her rice, when she would love a sandwich
instead?” I was trying to explain some Math to my son who was not listening and
being as naughty as possible at this time- I got very annoyed and took the
phone and shouted “Why can’t these old people just keep their mouths shut and
let their DILs decide what to feed their daughters without their unwelcome
interference and suggestions?” Didivai replied that she always thought that old
people do, and should, comment and advise their next generations.
Now this irked me, as it was not really true. Didivai has got irritated many
times when Ma kept giving suggestions and reminders all the time, similarly, in
the past, when her mother-in-law and sisters-in-law kept advising her on how to
handle her daughter, her tantrums, her education etc. I understand that Didivai
was a very understanding and kind person who never spoke out and always
adjusted, thinking of the other person, but that didn’t mean that she Liked the
interference. Anyway, the phone call finished, my son was still refusing to do
his Math, and I kept simmering in rage -“How can Didivai lie so blatantly!” and
wrote a few messages on Whatsapp- beseeching her not to reply- but I saw her
“typing” a reply, so I exited the groups that had both of us and blocked her.
FEELINGS Specify: e.g. mad, sad, glad, scared, surprised,
disgusted. Rate Feeling: 0-100
1) Mad
Rating: 80
2) Disgusted
Rating: 60
AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS What was going thru your mind just before feeling
(See if you can have a thought correspond with each feeling)
1)
Angry. Didivai is lying to me, she is horrible. Black
and white thinking
2)
Disappointed. Didivai thinks I don’t listen to old
people. Emotional reasoning.
3)
Sad. Didivai thinks I am selfish. Jumping to
conclusions.
4)
Angry. Didivai hates me, I hate her, and I will never
talk to Didivai again in my life. Catastrophising.
EVIDENCE That Automatic Thought IS TRUE
1) I have heard her complain about Ma, her MIL and SIL- about their constant
advice- many times before.
2) She said that “SHE” does not mind people saying things, thus implying
that I don’t.
3) No evidence. ☹
4) No evidence. ☹
EVIDENCE That Automatic Thought is NOT 100% TRUE
1) She has never been horrible or a pathological liar in the last 45 years
that I have known her.
2) She never mentioned my name even once in the conversation.
3) She has never said I am selfish- ever. At least not unless we are
fighting.
4) We have fought millions of times, and NEVER stopped talking.
MORE BALANCED THOUGHTS (combine Evidence from prior two boxes)
1)
She is a human being, not perfect. She is missing Ma,
her MIL is dead, her SIL is a widow and she feels bad for her, and she has
always liked her frankness anyway… and so, she has forgotten their bad things,
and remembers just the good things.
2)
Didivai has not mentioned me at all in the
conversation. It involved totally other people. There is no reason that she
should suddenly pass snide remarks.
3)
This too, shall pass, just like our million other
fights. Because we love each other, and nothing changes that.
RE-RATE FEELINGS NOW 0-100
1) Mad
Rating: 0
Subsequently, I told Marzena that Didivai talks nonsense all
the time but I don’t care much- what bothered me much more was that Dadavai agreed
with her. Marzena was trying to suggest that a husband will obviously support a wife, but
I said that this was not how it works in our family- and Dadavai would not
necessarily support Didivai just because she is his wife if he did not believe I was wrong and she was right.
Recently, I feel he
has been liking me less and less. The first time was also after a fight with Didivai. He said that to
console a person, you needed empathy first (I have forgotten the other two
steps; note- need to ask and remember). That time also, he agreed with Didivai.
And now also, he said that Indian culture is known for everyone caring for a kid, not just the parents… even neighbours
cared for and admonish kids.
Marzena’s questions:
1.
Does having a different opinion mean he does not love
you?
2.
Don’t you think migrants always face this? – two different
societies, two sets of expectations…?
3.
Don’t you think even in India things might have changed,
that women are speaking up, that daughters-in-law want more independence and
nobody would tolerate a neighbour spanking a kid?
I think there are good and bad aspects of everything. Change is inevitable.
It is the only truth. My lesson: Do not vocalize without thinking- is this the
best way to express this disagreement? Do not type things immediately.
My problem: Sometimes I feel I'll die just trying to adjust. I get depressed if I think the old way, my parents' way- so I have learnt to embrace newer ideas, newer methods of parenting- then I feel I am selfish, that there is a big chasm between me and everyone else.
