An apology

Dear Pia,

I believe I owe everyone in this group and the LGBT community an apology. My only interaction with them so far was opening our front door to some horribly dressed and crazily made-up people who came home, in Ranchi, to collect money after you were born whom I found utterly repulsive- I was 11 then, and impressionable, and developed a loathing for them in general, refusing to read any literature or watch any movies about them. My second interaction was trying to watch Deepa Mehta’s “Fire”, and I hated it, and stopped watching halfway.

I hated them so much that I intensely detested anyone who reminded me of them as well- an example was my not liking Ishqia, because I absolutely cannot stand men wearing Kajal- I know it is crazy- but that was (I think) the reason. I did not like your wedding album, Pia, I couldn’t bear to look at two men in coats marrying each other- I hated the fact that there were children at that wedding- innocent children exposed to these sexual deviations at a young impressionable age-and scared and angry that my kids will be too, during their compulsory “sex education” classes.

I decided after our disagreement that I needed to read more before judging anyone. I chose lesbianism because a female point of view might make more sense. I searched on Google and found a few books- and chose “Oranges are not the only fruit” by Jeanette Winterson, which won the Whitbread award for a first novel, was made into a television serial, a BBC Radio drama and also released as an audiobook, and was highly acclaimed critically. In England and Wales, it has been included in A-level curricula, and it seemed like a good place to begin my exploration.

I finished my assignment and stole some time away before my examination. (Is time an entity that can be stolen?- half my life I seem to be feeling guilty for stealing it- who does it actually belong to?) I borrowed the e-book from the library and started it, wondering whether I would be able to finish it.

I forgot all about finishing it and everything else for the next few hours- it was too beautiful a book to be put down- a semi-autographical novel, partly dark, partly fiction, partly imagination, partly true, partly mythology- written in an inimitable style by a strong woman, who, incidentally, felt attracted to women- but that had nothing to do with the rest of her.

I loved the author from the first page- loved her for her voracious reading habits, her powerful thinking, her superb command of English, her beautiful writing, her feminism… and surprisingly for me, did not give a whit as to whom she is attracted to! And understood some of the possible causes of her lesbianism- she has read Freud and Jung and a million other psychology books and has spent most of her life trying to understand herself- and her research is illuminating…

I finished it and realized I couldn’t stop here, because I simply HAD to read her memoirs –“Why be happy when you could be normal”. So I stole some more time, borrowed another e-book, lost some more sleep and finished it just now in the hospital. It was mind-blowing- similar to nothing I have ever read so far in my life.

I pay my homage to anyone who can write like that: the last two days, I felt what she felt- I WAS her while I was reading the book- and I understood her completely. I shall not have reservations against the LGBT community again- and more importantly, I shall try to look deeper and research more and get rid of any other ignorance-based prejudices I might have.

I saw your album again, Pia, and this time, when I could actually open my eyes and look at it without my goggles of prejudice, it is indeed breathtakingly beautiful!

Love
Mousie